[Blog #02] i can't not be emo

->[THIS BLOG CONTAINS SPOILERS]<-

so i am eating red kiwis right now and they are ... red! it feels weird because it feels like blood. but i guess someone has to be red. what if every kiwi wants to be red? what if every kiwi wants to taste like blood?

lately i am thinking about my past a bit more than i usually do. i remember how i was fantasizing about killing someone when i was 14. to be fair, they sort of bullied me but i still feel bad about it. omg these red kiwis are making me sneeze

it's complicated, right? because i know that i was a bad person back then too so i feel like i don't really have the right be angry at my past bullies. but i am.

i'm pretty sure that atleast half of the people that were mean me to during high school didn't know they were. i mean - - i also only realised that i was bullied only after everything was over.

i am glad that tomorrow is my birthday exists and that Petal got to kill someone so i didn't have to. it felt so freeing to write that. and guilty at the same time. i just wish that i did something back then instead of trying to dodge all bullets through distorting myself and my body. 

my body is starting to itch - i think i am allergic to red kiwis or something.

brutal/fragile/stark things always held a fascination for me. they still do. i need contrasting colors and clashing styles and text that want you to look away and music that is hard to bear. i summarize all of these things with emo. tomorrow is my birthday is emo. i am emo. i didn't realise this until two-ish years ago. it's all so emotional and it hurts. i love that pain. it holds me together and lets me access the world and friends.

friends are probably the most important thing for me in the world. that's why i love Bios and why i didn't want to make everything in this game by myself. the music is made by a friend. the cover art is made by a friend. the words during cutscenes are said by a friend. i gave them lots of creative freedom because i wanted them to influence the whole experience.

tomorrow is my birthday is a culmination of my past and my present and friends. and it's a promise to me to keep being myself and not to give in to normality but listening to my heart and my friends.

so am i devouring these red kiwis or are they devouring me. can someone tell? 

look at me - - can you tell?