the history behind transaction failed

hey there! i don't know if many will read this little text but oh well :3

i wanted to talk a bit about transaction failed and what it means to me. i already did so in an interview very recently (https://medium.com/@cdelbert/riley-d%C3%BClbergs-first-game-a-surreal-trip-to-th...) how cool is that???

i wont repeat myself here so plz read the interview if you have time or just stay here with me! <3

transaction failed is the first game i've made. i never imagined making one before this. i always thought that it would be too much work and that i couldn't pull it off. then i took notice of ludum dare (a game jam where you have 72 hours to make a game) and i thought: why shouldn't i try this too? a very good friend of mine joined aswell and three days later she made a game and i made one aswell! 

while i made the game (and especially the dialogues) i became aware of how different the story-telling in a videogame is than in short storys i also like to write sometimes. AND I LOVE THE DIFFERENCE. somehow i feel way more at home with telling storys within games. 

with transaction failed i was exploring the tension between my body and my gender. i'm agender (as of yet! >:3) but i didn't know this for a very long time. while i was pretending to be a man, i noticed more and more that something doesn't quite feel right. so i painted my nails. i didn't go to the hairdresser anymore and cut my hair on my own. i got in touch again with my interests i had when i was younger (those interests you abandon because you find them cringe). i cut off bad friendships.

more and more i took control of my body and my surroundings. this process sounds healthy (and it really was!) but at the same time it took a lot of energy. i felt lost and just wanted to leave my old self. the more i did this, the more i lost on the way. i think many trans and queer people know this feeling. what's weird about this, is, that a few places will just stay the same. regardless how much you change. a place like this are convenience stores. like i said in the interview: i measure my inner feelings/conflicts with such places. 

If you feel different the next time you visit your local convenience store -> it's most likely that you somehow have changed. because the convenience store most likely hasn't.

i don't really trust the card machines by the register. i always fear somehow that "transaction failed" pops up on its display. in some night last year i noticed that you can do a word play with it. that's where the title of the game is from. the idea grew on me over months. transactions aren't only financial. they also are social. you can do transactions with friends, lovers, family. every interaction you make is transaction with the unknown: you never know what you'll get back. that's why i hated to talk to strangers  for a long time  (especially while i was unsure about my identity and my self-confidence was really low). but this transaction between you and a shop assistant is a complete different one. in unstable times i love to talk to shop assistants (the ones that work in stores. i don't know if i translated this correctly) because i know exactly what they will say and they'll always be nice and/or professional.

what i want to say with this text: convenience stores and supermarkets are really important to me! most of the time i hate them, but they are a great mirror nontheless!

anyway, thanks for reading!! if you're still with me here you're my favourite person ever <3

(also expect another game from me this year :3)

and don't forget: